Attention Hogging Upstarts
by Shinobi Saru Corp
Summary: Commander Deren used to be hot stuff at ShinRa, but with those three attention hogging upstarts running around he's completely overshadowed. He spends all his days moping in his office and drooling-until, that is, an ambitious and rather vicious secretary is assigned to him. She wakes in him an old desire to spread chaos and mayhem, and together they wage war against Those Three.
1. Chapter 1

**Written by Ryuu**

**_Attention Hogging Upstarts_**

**Author's Note:** Has anyone else noticed a mysterious lack of 1st Class SOLDIERs other than Sephiroth, Genesis and Angeal? They may get mentioned occasionally, but they're hardly ever given characters or even names. They don't even make an appearance. This applies to both the FF VII games and nearly all fanfiction written about them. Anyway, I made up a couple of neurotic Firsts and a vicious secretary, gave them a vendetta against "Those Three", and sat back to see what happened. The results were...entertaining ^.^

I don't know how often I will update this story, as I want to make each chapter as good as possible. And while for the most part it will be pretty episodic, I do have a general direction for the story to go in mind. Also, I'm rating it Teen basically to give myself some breathing room. I'll keep things pretty clean, but I'm pretty sure that Reno is a substance abuser, so, ah...Teen it is.

This story starts about four years before Crisis Core. I may have tweaked a few ages to suit me better, but for the most part I tried to keep things as accurate as possible.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own ShinRa, the SOLDIER program, mako, or Sephiroth, Genesis and Angeal. I do, however, completely and totally own Lizz Daugherty, Able Deren and Judas Cain. They're my buddies. Don't mess with 'em without asking, please.

* * *

_Shampoo Advertising Part 1_

Commander Able Deren tried and failed to swallow the sour taste in his mouth. He couldn't roll his eyes either, or pull a face of any kind to vent his distaste. This was because of the hundreds of cameras flashing all over the place. None of them would be trained at him, they never were anymore, they would all be focused on the wonderful hero Sephiroth as he was awarded the title of General. But Deren would end up in the background of some of them, and if he made a rude face or even closed his eyes, somewhere some bored stinker without a life would notice and make that fact known far and wide.

General. Deren had been shooting at that title for the past decade, ever since he made First Class, and here this young silver-haired upstart had managed it in two years.

_Two freakin' years._

Deren bit down hard on his tongue, trying to get rid of that nasty bitter taste, but it didn't seem to want to go away.

After the ceremony, he slunk back to his office, sank into his Command Chair, and faceplanted into his desk.

* * *

Lizzy Daugherty stepped out of the elevator, trying to calm her jitters. She'd just been hired on as a secretary, after her first interview! And assigned to a SOLDIER First Class! She couldn't actually remember hearing of this guy before, but after looking him up she had to admit herself impressed. One of the first members of SOLDIER, and very good at what he did, apparently. A decade ago he had been quite famous, although she wasn't sure why no one ever heard of him nowadays. He wasn't old; he was only in his early thirties.

She wondered why Lazard had muttered something about being tired of drool marks while he was interviewing her.

Lizzy stopped outside a door, carefully perusing the name plaque. This should be the right office. She hesitated, hand hovering over the panel. Setting her teeth, she palmed it, watched the door slide open, and stepped inside.

And was smacked full in the face by one of the most heinous smells she had ever encountered. It was like the time someone in her high school decided to use a toilet as a bomb to celebrate the graduating seniors.

"Oh Gaia," she gasped, trying to shield her nostrils with the back of her hand. Through the water gathering in her eyes, she was able to make out a figure at the desk. Or on the desk. Half on the desk? Sitting in his chair, his upper body spread across his desk.

"Um, excuse me," Lizzy choked.

The pathetic figure didn't respond. He simply stared forlornly at something flat and round in front of him…

…was that a petri dish…?

"_Excuse me_," Lizzy tried again, enunciating a little more clearly this time.

"Hrnnnnm?" Pitiful, huge blue eyes stared at her, half obscured by shaggy brown hair.

"Is this Commander Able Deren's office?" Lizzy said weakly. _Please say no. Maybe the name on the door is wrong, or I misread it, please say no, please say_—

"Mm-hm."

"Are you Commander Able Deren?"

"Mm-hm."

_Oh Gaia, what did I do to deserve this?_

"Are you alright, sir?" Lizzy ooched along the wall towards the smaller desk near the door.

"Nn-nn."

"Do you need anything, sir?" Lizzy sorted through the mess on the desk, shifting aside jars filled with green and yellow and black slime. She took care not to break them.

"Phenylethylamine."

Lizzy blinked and sat down rather hard at the desk. "I beg your pardon, sir?"

But actually enunciating seemed to have taken up the last of his energy. His head lolled slightly to the side, and Lizzy spotted a little stream of drool oozing from his mouth and sliming the papers on his desk. Ah. So that was why she had been awarded the honor of being a secretary to a First, when none of the other Firsts had secretaries. And she'd thought maybe it had something to do with her actual abilities. Well, scratch that. Lizzy slumped in her seat. "Do you want me to take those papers, sir?"

He didn't respond.

Lizzy rubbed her temples. This was not going to be a fun job. At all.

* * *

Lizzy's alarm went off, a horrible, obnoxious shrieking wail. Why did alarm clocks make such awful noises? She flailed her left hand around blindly for a bit and smashed down on the first button she could find. The shrieking stopped. Lizzy groaned and rolled out from underneath the covers, fumbling for the light switch. She sat on the edge of her bed, rubbing her eyes.

Day five of the secretarial job from hades. Lizzy would spend today in exactly the same way she'd spent the past four: filing reports and trying to get the Commander to attend his meetings while he just drooled on his desk. She would have to worm soggy paperwork out from underneath his head. Lizzy hadn't realized before just how heavy people's heads are. He never seemed to get assignments, either. That was just weird. From Lizzy's research, and the snooping she'd carried out during her breaks, most SOLDIERs were insanely busy, especially the Firsts.

Lizzy smacked and pulled a wayward strand of hair out of her mouth. Her head was just beginning to nod when a shrieking wail sounded off, nearly stopping her heart. She gasped and banged her fist down on the alarm clock.

Lizzy _hated_ the snooze button.

Half-an-hour later Lizzy dragged herself down the corridor, trying to stay awake and attempting to think of something positive about her job. It wasn't working very well.

"Hello, you new here?"

Lizzy nearly yelped. There was a man around that corner, and man with dazzling blue eyes and auburn hair and a bright red coat—

"Yes, sir, I'm new, I've only been here a few days. Now please excuse me…" Lizzy pondered whether or not to be afraid of him. She'd heard about the sorts of things this guy did to cadets. She had already glimpsed him a couple of times before, lounging in the corridors. What was he doing bothering her? Lizzy lowered her head and attempted to walk around him, but he blocked her path. He _blocked her path_.

"What's your name then, lovely lady?" He grinned all up one side of his face.

"_Excuse me_—"

"Us redheads have to stick together, you know," he murmured in a low voice that he no doubt thought attractive.

Lizzy's hackles rose.

"_I_ may be a proper ginger, sir, but you are not; your hair has far too much brown. EX. CUSE. ME." She fixed him with her most vicious glare, the one that sent the intoxicated riffraff that hang around outside of bars running for their lives.

To his credit, Captain Rhapsodos didn't run away. His grin just spread wider, although it looked a little forced now. "You're not very nice."

"No, I'm not. Do you ambush all of the new secretaries like this?"

He inched a little closer, and that just settled it for Lizzy. She threw a punch into his solar plexus. Or, she tried to, and her aim was perfect, but the Captain suddenly wasn't in quite the same place anymore; he'd turned sideways. Lizzy's knuckles brushed against his giant belt, the one with the SOLDIER logo plastered all over it.

"Gaia, you're a strange one. You can even throw a proper punch." But he let her walk around him, flashing one last grin at her as she passed.

Lizzy fumed all the way down the corridor, hissing wordlessly. Insufferable man! Not all women would swoon just because he winked at them!

For a little bit, Lizzy wondered why people were pausing and staring at her like she was an alien as she went by. Then she realized that, along with the hissing, she was grinding her teeth. Very loudly. She took a deep breath, forcing her jaw to relax, and exhaled. She spent a few moments outside Commander Deren's office regulating her breathing before palming the door open.

Ah, the _lovely_ scent of exploded toilet.

Lizzy's eyes rolled back into her head and she gave her teeth another grind. This smell clung to her hair like nothing else, and people tended to give her odd looks, especially SOLDIERs. If she ever moved out of this stupid office, she was going to have to burn her clothing.

And there was Commander Deren, draped across his desk. Drooling.

Drooling drooling drooling drooling—

_No, Lizzy, stay calm. Stay calm._

Lizzy sat down at her desk, trying to breathe normally despite the stench. "Good morning, sir."

Commander Deren's head lifted slightly, and half-closed blue eyes peered at her for a moment. "Mm-hmm." Then his head slammed back onto his desk.

"Sir, you have another meeting scheduled for today, did you know?"

He didn't answer.

"Would you like me to cancel it?" Lizzy settled her fingers on the keyboard, watching the Commander expectantly.

Nothing.

Lizzy tried to stay calm. She failed. Four days' worth of emotion bubbled up her throat and out her mouth. "Fine! Fine, ignore me! I don't care! I'm just a secretary, I don't care! Just because I always wanted to move up in the world, just because I always wanted to get up top in a large company ever since I was little, and here I thought I might actually be starting to succeed, and then I discover that I've only been hired to cut down on the saliva content of your paperwork, that doesn't mean I care at all!" Lizzy was panting rather at this point.

The commander didn't respond, except that his breathing slowed, rather like he had just drifted off to sleep.

Alright. She would just finish ranting then. If she held it in for any longer she might snap and attempt to murder her new boss. "And the other SOLDIERs here are horrible! On my way here this morning I got ambushed by that sleazy Genesis Rhapsodos! Just because I went through _that_ to get here doesn't mean I would care in the least that you're totally ignoring me! That _disgusting_ misogynist Rhapsodos, thinking that women are nothing but mindless, drooling zombies perfectly willing to trail along after the nearest piece of man meat…"

"Most women are."

Lizzy's eyes narrowed. Commander Deren's breathing pattern made it sound like he was asleep, but he had definitely spoken just now. That was the first time she'd heard him say actual words since day one. Lizzy pursed her lips and inspected the papers lying around on her desk. Just forms that needed to be filled out, nothing particularly interesting…

She could either start her day's work, or prod a little harder at the not-sleeping commander.

Lizzy stood. In any case, she was not feeling well, and she flatly refused to put up with the toilet-bomb smell any longer. She strode over to the commander's desk and made a grab at the petri dish. Even though she half expected it, she let out a gasp, staring at her wrist caught in Commander Deren's hand. Lizzy hadn't even seen him move. Were all SOLDIERs like that? His grip hurt, too.

"Please leave that alone."

"Just how useless _was_ that self-defense class?" she snarled irritably as Commander Deren released her wrist.

"Come again?"

"They train all students at secretarial colleges in self-defense. I don't know why they bother. Only ShinRa hires secretaries nowadays, and I can't even see you SOLDIERs move." She frowned. "Why are you talking to me all of a sudden?"

"So I'm not the first SOLDIER you've had an altercation with?" Commander Deren raised his head off the desk and eyed her with interest.

"I tried to punch Genesis Rhapsodos…" Lizzy muttered, as quietly as possible. "I may have overreacted slightly…"

His big blue eyes widened. Weird blue eyes, the exact same shade as Captain Rhapsodos's. Well, Lizzy _had_ heard of mako-eyes, but before she'd taken this job she never realized that they could be this…striking. And glowy. And all exactly the same.

And then the Commander threw his head back guffawed, an extremely loud, throaty laugh. Lizzy took several steps back. For the past several days this guy had had the energy of a sick sea cucumber. "Are you alright, sir?" she asked, silently praying that he wasn't completely insane and about to stab her or something.

"Ah, I just think that's brilliant," Commander Deren chuckled, wiping tears from his eyes. "What's your name, anyway?"

Lizzy blinked. _Now_ he asked? On the fifth day? And shouldn't he know already? Surely Lazard had sent him a memo or something. "Elizabeth Daugherty, sir, but most people call me Lizzy."

"Lizz, then."

Lizzy pinched the bridge of her nose. "Why Liz, sir?"

"Because I like it better. And it's Lizz with two z's, not one."

"It sounds the same, sir."

"No it doesn't. I can hear the difference."

"Between 'Liz' and 'Lizz'?"

"Yes. So be sure to say it right, Lizz."

Why was he correcting her on her own name? And why on Gaia was he even deciding on her name in the first place?

Commander Deren propped his elbows on the table, interlaced his fingers and rested his chin on them, flashing Lizzy a maniacal grin. "Would you like to wreak vengeance upon the infamous Captain Genesis Rhapsodos, Lizz? We might include General Sephiroth as well, but that's just a personal thing."

_I need to get to work on my actual job, and I have no desire to get involved in harebrained schemes against people who could snap my spine with two fingers,_ Lizzy's brain said. Unfortunately, she had spent the last several days extremely bored and frustrated, and what actually came out of her mouth was a little different.

"With all my heart, sir."

* * *

Commander Deren pushed open the door to the observation room.

"Why are we here, Commander?" Lizzy asked apprehensively.

"There're Thirds practicing right now."

"So?"

"So we need a little more information to proceed, and my source will be in here…"

They stepped into the room. Lizzy's eyes were immediately drawn to the inch thick windows. On the other side of the glass a huge slimy snake thing was chasing a group of teenagers around in circles. Lizzy shuddered. "Is that—"

"A Midgar Zolom, yes." A man in a First Class uniform rose from the swivel chair at the console. He was a small guy, with short, nicely combed black hair. His almond-shaped eyes glowed softly with that mako blue. "Do you need something, Deren?"

To Lizzy's absolute shock, Commander Deren straightened and snapped a salute. He slouched again right afterwards, though. "Judas, I just needed a little info."

Lizzy's mouth dropped open. "Judas? As in _General Judas Cain_?"

"No need to act so shocked," General Cain growled. "I'm surprised you remember my name. It's funny, really, how every single other First Class vanishes from everyone's memory as soon as those three show up…"

Commander Deren pulled a face and muttered something indistinguishable under his breath.

"Well, I did my homework when I was hired," Lizzy said. She squinted at the Commander. Her brain was still having trouble processing the fact that he was capable of moving and speaking like a human being.

"Why are you here, Deren?" General Cain asked.

"I just need some suggestions. Is there anyone at all close to _those three_—" he pronounced _those three_ as though uttering the foulest of curses "—who is particularly susceptible to suggestions?"

General Cain closed his eyes. "You finally crawl out from your lair, just to try and get me involved in some crazy scheme? I refuse to be an accomplice."

"You don't have to be an accomplice, just a consultant…"

The console dinged.

"Ah, my program finally took down the security system!" General Cain sat in the chair again, running his fingers over the keys on the console. "Someone keeps on rewriting the security for the VR room's controls. Honestly, you would think that they didn't want it hacked…"

"Why are you hacking the VR room?" Lizzy said.

Commander Deren chuckled. "Genesis Rhapsodos tortures cadets, Judas tortures Thirds."

"It's not torture! I'm evaluating how they react when something that definitely wasn't in the training program attacks them. It's more realistic. Let's see how they do against dragons…"

"That's just not nice."

"But it's funny…"

"And you say this isn't torture?"

Five or so dragons appeared beyond the window. The Thirds shrieked and scattered, many accidentally dropping their weapons as they did so.

"Watch the one with spiky black hair," General Cain said.

The boy he pointed out charged the nearest dragon, powering through its attacks and slicing its head into two. Lizzy pressed her hand over her mouth. Unfortunately the VR room's gore was quite realistic.

"I like him," Commander Deren said. "He's stupid, though."

Lizzy didn't see what was so stupid about it; he had just taken down a flipping dragon! But then she noticed the other dragons bearing down on him, anxious to dispose of the threat.

Then everything in the room began to dissolve into green squares, falling and scattering and flickering into nothing, leaving only the Thirds and a very irritated looking instructor. The instructor flashed a glare towards the observation room.

"Let's make ourselves scarce," General Cain said, standing rather quickly.

"Who was that Third?" Commander Deren asked as they walked quickly down the corridor. Lizzy had to jog to keep up.

"Zack Fair," General Cain replied. "And if you hadn't spent the past year being depressed in your office, you would know that Angeal Hewley took him on as a sort of apprentice three months ago. He's impulsive, prone to pulling pranks, gets ideas into his head very easily, is not known for his intelligence, and has nerves of steel."

Commander Deren grinned. "Thanks, Judas."

"What're you thanking me for? I'm not going to be your accomplice, Deren," General Cain said sternly. "Besides, things are getting boring around here and I don't like an eighteen-year-old being the same rank as me." He turned to Lizzy and pulled a bottle of hand sanitizer out of his pocket. "Here, Miss Daugherty, you may need this."

"What for? And how do you know my name?" What had just happened? Listening to this guy talk was like watching a dragonfly pull sudden, disorienting one-eighties. Lizzy popped the cap open and wrinkled her nose at the smell.

"SOLDIERs, especially the younger ones, are not very good with personal hygiene." General Cain stuck his hands in his pockets. "They don't care about spreading bacteria and viruses because they know that they have mako-enhanced immune systems. Which is stupid, of course; because of carelessness like that we now have breeds of supervirus going around that either have adapted to break past even a SOLDIER's immune system, or are mutated by mako themselves. Long story short, staff, secretaries, cadets and the like are extremely prone to contracting nasty diseases."

"Great, just great," Lizzy growled.

"Deren, be sure to clean your office at some point. Goddess only knows what the stuff you've been growing in there will do to her."

"Don't worry, I plan to have it sterilized within the next week."

"Good. See you two around." General Cain turned and walked in another direction.

Lizzy smeared sanitizer on her hands. She and Commander Deren walked on for a little while before she said, "Why were you so interested in Zack Fair?"

"Angeal Hewley is best friends with Genesis Rhapsodos, and Genesis Rhapsodos probably bugs Sephiroth more than anyone else on the Planet. Now we just need to come up with a plot."

"Right." Lizzy blew on her hands. Wherever the sanitizer was evaporating her skin felt like ice. "You know, I wasn't expecting a general to be so…short."

Commander Deren laughed. "I know, it's pretty hilarious. He's only a hundred sixty-six centimeters tall. I think that Sephiroth is one hundred eighty-something…" The commander's laughter died away. Lizzy looked up from her hands.

She had no trouble whatsoever recognizing the figure ahead of them. Long, silver hair rippled behind him, and he moved with the strangest grace, gliding along the ground like a ghost. His black leather coat flapped about his calves. Lizzy's breath caught in her throat when Sephiroth looked at them. She backed behind Commander Deren without thinking. The pictures in newspapers didn't get across the extreme unease those glowing green eyes produced in those they looked at. The commander's shoulders tensed. He snapped to attention, throwing a salute as Sephiroth passed, and the Silver General's slit pupils slid front again. He never varied his pace in the slightest, striding on as though Lizzy and Commander Deren did not exist.

Lizzy began to breathe again. "Is he really only eighteen?" she whispered.

Commander Deren's lip curled with distaste. "Eighteen, and he achieved in four years what I've been trying to do for the past seventeen. Now I have to _salute_ him. I think the system's been rigged." He turned to look at her. "Are you hiding behind me?"

"No, I'm not!" Lizzy snapped.

"Yes, you were!" Commander Deren smiled and patted her head. "Don't worry, the great hero Sephiroth wouldn't hurt an innocent secretary like you. Unless you annoyed him, that is."

Lizzy tried to punch him in the face, but she missed.

* * *

"What're you doing?"

Deren leaned over Lizz's desk, scowling at the forms she was filling out.

"Um, my _job_?" Lizz said, scribbling away.

Deren blew a few stray strands of brown hair out of his face. "I thought you were going to help me plot the perfect vengeance. It's only your sixth day, you don't have to do so much."

Lizz gave him an odd look. "I'll let you know if I think of anything, sir."

"But you're not thinking about it, are you?"

"I'm letting my subconscious work it out," she said with an air of impatience.

Deren sighed and staggered back to his desk, flopping into his Command Chair. He rested his forehead on the now bare wood. He kinda missed having paper to drool on.

"I could be in my room, playing through _Twilight Princess_ right now," he moaned.

"Don't you dare, regulations say that you're supposed to stay in your office during work hours, unless you have a mission or errand or something. I looked it up." The scratching noise of her pen didn't falter even a little bit.

"N'one else follows that rule…"

"Well, if you _want _to be like Genesis Rhapsodos…"

Deren spent the next few moments distracted by very negative thoughts directed at the esteemed Captain Rhapsodos. He realized after a bit that Lizz's pen wasn't scratching anymore. He raised his head.

Lizz was staring at the day's newspaper, lying in a crumpled heap on the floor. She got up and grabbed it, unfolding it and smoothing it out against her desk.

"Whassit?" Deren asked.

"This ad for that Shinralline shampoo is terrible. It's this ridiculous kid who looks as though he's trying to grow out his hair like Sephiroth's but he can't keep up with brushing it."

Deren oozed out of his seat to peer over Lizz's shoulder. "I remember when they first made that ad. The kid's just a Third, and he cut his hair short very soon afterwards. The advertising department really wanted to get Sephiroth to pose for their shampoo ads, but he refused. Apparently he tries to decapitate anyone who asks him."

"Why don't they just use Rhapsodos? I bet he'd be perfectly willing to wink and smirk at the camera for them."

"They want Sephiroth's hair, and his reputation as a hero."

"So why'd they settle for this dweeb?"

"They accidentally let it slip to Rhapsodos that he was their second choice, and he got offended. Then he chased them around the building with fireballs…"

"Ah." Lizz paused. "Do they have anyone particularly good with Photoshop in the advertising department?"

Deren stared at her. "Ye-ees…"

"Would they be willing to lend Zack Fair a camera?"

Deren felt a crazy grin spread across his face.


	2. Chapter 2

**Written by Ryuu**

**_Attention Hogging Upstarts_**

******Disclaimer: **I do not own ShinRa, mako, the SOLDIER Program, Zack Fair, Reno, Sephiroth, Genesis, or Angeal. I sometimes wish that I did but I don't. On the other hand, Lizz Daugherty, Able Deren, and Judas Cain are little pieces of my soul. In other words, they are mine. My precious. MIIIIIINE. :P I also unfortunately own the entire Advertising Department, though they are _not_ little pieces of my soul. They annoy me, and the director freaks me out O.o

* * *

_Shampoo Advertising Part 2_

Zack Fair pouted at his noodles. He'd been the only Third who hadn't panicked, the only Third who had actually held on to his weapon, and not only had he launched a counterattack, but he'd actually _killed_ one of those dragons. And Angeal still scolded him. Something about being incredibly stupid…he should've regrouped his men and launched a more organized attack…or something like that…

Zack needed something to cheer him up. He mournfully stuffed a piece of Wutaiin chicken in his mouth, licking all the sauce off before chewing it up and swallowing. Then he picked an especially long noodle, slurped it about halfway, pulled it out, and slurped it again, careful to make sure he'd gotten all the sauce.

"Did you see that regrettable ad?"

Zack stopped slurping and looked around. One of those First Class Commanders—Zack forgot his name—was seated at a table behind Zack and to his left. He had his back to Zack and was holding a PHS to his ear.

"Yeah, I know, it's terrible. They only got that kid because they couldn't talk Sephiroth into it, and then they offended Rhapsodos…yeah, it's embarrassing…Shinra was pushing for a shampoo ad, but I doubt he was happy with what they turned out…"

The more Zack thought about it, the more positive he was that he hadn't actually ever seen this Commander in the cafeteria before, though he might've glimpsed him in a corridor like, once. Maybe.

Were they talking about that stupid Shinralline ad? The one with the kid with the greasy curtain for hair?

"I dunno, there're all sorts of things they could've done…ha! You said it. They want a Genesis who looks like Sephiroth, winking and smirking…the shampoo is aimed at women, yeah…that's what Photoshop is for…they'd have to have someone either really gutsy or really stupid to take those pictures…I'm sure they'd be willing to pay a lot…"

Zack twirled his chopsticks in the noodles, watching each strand leave its own little trail in the sauce. He was beginning to have an idea…

Reno shuffled down the corridor towards the men's room, spiky red bangs flopping into his eyes. Tseng was stupid! Really stupid. Like, completely brain dead, yo. Life was _way_ more fun when people snuck up behind you and poured beer over your head, right? Reno was just trying to make Tseng's life _better_.

_Thump!_

Reno found himself sitting on the floor without really remembering how he'd got there. He swore at the light blue blur in front of him, despite it apologizing so profusely.

"I'm sorry, I was just headed to the advertising department! Uh…" the kid rubbed his hair sheepishly. "Where _is_ the advertising department?"

Reno clambered to his feet, scowling. "About ten floors down," he said. "You're headed the wrong way." He paused. "Why're you headed to the advertising department, yo?"

"Because I have an _idea_," the Third Class said, eyes wide like an idea was a very rare beast indeed. Judging from the look of him, this was probably the case.

"What _idea_?" Reno asked, curious despite himself.

The kid explained.

Reno stared at him. "What's your name, yo?"

"Zack Fair."

"You're tiny, Zack mah frien'," Reno said.

"I'm your _friend_?" Zack asked happily.

"Sure, yo. That is, if you let me in on this little venture of yours. I like you." Reno grinned. "Let's go make people's lives _better_."

* * *

Sephiroth arrived at the cafeteria very late that day. The janitorial staff was just emerging from their hive when Sephiroth arrived and sent them scurrying. All the food was cold. He did not really care. He took three minutes to eat and left again, gliding through the building, headed back to his office and haven on the forty-ninth floor. If he had timed this right (which he had, of course), then he would not cross paths with Rhapsodos on his way.

Rhapsodos came sauntering around a corner.

Trust Rhapsodos not to stick to his own schedule.

"Well, well, if isn't the _great_ General Sephiroth," Rhapsodos said lazily.

Sephiroth stared at him hard. Normally that would send anyone into the customary salute, even the occasional civilian, but not Rhapsodos. He just stood there and twirled his bangs between thumb and forefinger.

"What do you want, Rhapsodos?" Sephiroth said.

"Oh, you spoke! That doesn't happen every day. I'm so honoured to be the one spoken to, _General_."

"What do you want, Rhapsodos?"

"You just asked that, I'm getting to it. Did you see that hilarious shampoo ad?"

"What do you want, Rhapsodos?"

"Is that the only thing you're capable of saying? Really?" Rhapsodos chuckled.

"What do you want, Rhapsodos?"

Rhapsodos's eyelid twitched. "Will you stop saying that?"

"What do you want, Rhapsodos?"

"FINE!" Rhapsodos coughed into one hand and continued a little more quietly. "I just thought I'd congratulate you on becoming general," he said.

Sephiroth remained silent.

"Gaia, you're hard to talk to. I just congratulated you. Feel free to thank me, or taunt me, or _some_thing."

Sephiroth stared blankly into Rhapsodos's eyes.

"What is up with you?! Say something!"

What Rhapsodos did not seem to realize was that if not saying anything annoyed him, then Sephiroth was not going to say anything. After a very long pause, during which the frequency of Rhapsodos's eye-twitching dramatically increased, Sephiroth judged that he had done enough here and turned sharply back in the direction of his office. As he did, there was a bright flash of light. Sephiroth blinked, startled. Rhapsodos also jumped.

"Perfect!" A very short black-haired person popped up out of nowhere, giggling.

"Oh, Fair, it's you," Rhapsodos growled.

Fair…Third Class uniform…

Aaaah. Hewley's apprentice.

Fair took off down the corridor, still giggling, holding something that looked suspiciously like a camera. Sephiroth took off after him, taking long enough strides to catch up with the child in seconds. Sephiroth had decided that the camera should become a pile of noxious ribbons. Fair would join the camera.

Fair turned a corner. Sephiroth turned the same corner. Fair was no longer there. Sephiroth sniffed. Tobacco, alcohol and engine oil. Reno the young Turk. The young Turk who did not seem to care that he was underage. The scent was faint. They were both gone.

Sephiroth pondered this unlikely alliance all the way back to his office. He even meditated on the floor for a little while, but he still could not fathom its purpose. He eventually gave up and returned to the methodical brainlessness of mission reports.

* * *

Genesis huffed his way to the elevator. He had been fool enough to humble himself before Sephiroth and actually congratulate him. And instead of accepting the gesture, the silver-haired _prig_ had been incredibly irritating before taking off after little Zack Fair.

Genesis slouched against the rail inside, pressing the button for the ground floor. He needed to get out of here and relax for a little while…

Someone slipped through the elevator doors just before they shut. Genesis frowned at the dirty-blond head, a head that he remembered all too well.

Robert Alexander, hailing from the advertising department.

Last time Genesis and Alexander had come into contact, Genesis ended up chasing him throughout ShinRa HQ. With fireballs. And he had _deserved_ it. Next time he wanted Genesis to appear in an ad, he shouldn't say stupid stuff about Sephiroth being their first choice.

Genesis bestowed upon Alexander his best Creepy Smile of Death. "Hello, _Bob_. Long time no see."

Alexander flinched and swallowed, eyes popping in terror as the elevator doors closed. "C-ca-captain Rhapsodos," he said, staring at Genesis's nose. Genesis glared. The man could at least _try_ to make eye contact properly. "We were wondering if you could appear in the next Shinralline ad for us…"

Genesis arched an eyebrow. It was that fine, superior arch he had spent the last few weeks practicing in the mirror. It may or may not have had some small resemblance to the arch Sephiroth sometimes used. "I don't suppose that I am, perhaps, your second choice for this ad?"

Alexander shook his head wildly. "NO SIR!" He glanced down at the elevator floor. "It was actually the idea of one of my coworkers, she's part of your fanclub, but she said she would be too embarrassed to ask you in person…" his voice trailed off. He even sounded vaguely irritated.

"Is this coworker cute?" Genesis asked, stroking his chin.

"Yes, very!" Alexander said enthusiastically. He winced. "I mean, mildly. Sort of. I'm sure she's not your type—" judging by the despair in his tone, he knew that he'd already said too much.

Genesis smiled his crooked smile. "I suppose I could give it a go…"

Alexander took him to the twenty-first floor, to one of the advertising department's studios. A blonde girl jumped to her feet as they entered, clutching a camera to her chest like a security blanket. She gave a little gasp when she saw Genesis, and he was able to just detect a blush behind her spray-on tan.

She was cute-ish, he supposed. A little fakey, perhaps. But she seemed appropriately in awe. So did the rest of the crew in here, actually. Most of them seemed to be female. It was rather interesting how the women crowded forward to get a better look, with much squealing, while the men hid behind things.

_Everyone_ hid behind things when Sephiroth entered a room. Actually, they didn't, because they were too scared to move. They just wanted to.

Someday Genesis would get a similar reaction from people. Men and women alike standing in respect and fearful awe as he strode past, those who had caused him offense groveling at his feet. Perhaps…but for now, a little squealing was satisfactory.

The director was, unfortunately, an extremely frightening older woman. She had evidently plastered on her make-up with a trowel and dumped a bucket of perfume over her head. She smelled like a funeral home. Genesis's mako-enhanced nostrils were in agony, and he began to feel an ache pounding through his sinuses. Brilliant, just brilliant.

He allowed the make-up artists (whom he initially mistook for twins, but it was just because they dressed like clones) to touch up his already perfectly made-up face and then stepped into the spotlights.

Genesis struck a heroic pose first, a rather magnificent one, he thought. He stood with his weight slightly shifted to the side, back arched a little, arms crossed, a triumphant smirk on his face. The triumphant smirk had taken a lot of time to perfect, years of tweaking it in his bathroom mirror combined with testing it on various people. Yes, this smirk would be perfect!

"Oh, honey, that's lovely," said the director. "But I was thinking a little more…_charming_." She batted her eyelashes at him. Really sparse lashes, each little hair weighed down with globs of mascara. Genesis repressed a shudder.

Genesis changed from crossed arms to hands on hips. Perhaps that would appease the Fury over there.

"Ooo, that's better! More!"

Holy Shiva. Genesis repressed the urge to run screaming. He was _going_ to get himself in this ad, no matter what, even if the director was _clearly_ a creature from the underworld.

Genesis took a deep breath and shifted his weight almost completely to his right leg, curving his back more, and with one hand still on his hip he ran the other through his bangs, fixing the camera lens with his best Smolder.

The director's eyes widened and she clapped her wrinkled hands together, a predatory grin on her face. "Perfect, darling!"

Oh Gaia.

Genesis fled. He couldn't wait to see his face all over Midgar, but he also needed to rinse out his sinuses with a carefully concocted salt solution. And he needed to shower. And sterilize his clothes. And he needed to get away from the cougar before she ate him.

The horrible stench of funeral home followed him all the way back to his apartment.

* * *

Lizzy walked into Commander Deren's office and stopped, blinking. "Um," she said.

"Ah, Lizz," Commander Deren said. He was not draped mournfully across his desk. He sat on the floor, a jar filled with different colors of slime in one hand and a Link action figure in the other. "My office is going to be sterilized tomorrow, and I was just organizing my things. The stuff I don't want anymore will stay in here, and the stuff I do want I'll transport to a hidey-hole elsewhere."

"Why a hidey-hole?" Lizzy sat at her desk and shuffled through the mass of papers. Commander Deren, it seemed, had just dumped anything with print onto her desk without thought for the careful organization system she was developing. "Don't they have storage rooms somewhere in this building?"

"I'm sure they do, but I'm very territorial." Commander Deren put the jar on the floor against the wall and put Link in a cardboard box labeled in sloppy handwriting: _Able's Stuff, Touch and You Die_.

"You're just going to leave your mad scientist creations for the people doing the sterilizing to clean up?" Lizzy asked, raising an eyebrow critically at the rows of jars against the wall. "Who did you hire, anyway?"

"Oh, I didn't hire them, they're going to volunteer, and they love sterilizing things so I'll just leave the stuff I want to get rid of."

"So they're whack jobs who aren't actually booked yet."

"Yeah, basically. But they'll get the job done, trust me."

Lizzy returned to sorting papers. She frowned. "Sir, this is a personal memo for you. What's it doing on my desk?"

"Is it? I didn't notice." Commander Deren piled a few oddly shaped knick-knacks into the box.

"It has your name on it, sir. In really big capital letters. Director Lazard seems to want to know what you were doing outside of your office." Lizzy frowned. "Why is he so concerned?"

"Because nowadays Deren being spotted outside is big news," came a voice from the door.

Lizzy squeaked and whirled round. General Judas Cain was leaning against the doorframe, yawning. He made a few smacking noises as he rubbed his watery eyes with two fingers.

"Ho, Judas," Commander Deren said, tenderly lowering a Princess Zelda figurine in the box. "Did your alarm not go off or something?"

"Ho, Deren." General Cain lowered his hand and blinked. "I just stayed up all night reviewing troop movements in Wutai."

Commander Deren examined a dust bunny on the shelf with disproportionate interest.

"It's looking bad, Deren," General Cain continued. "It might kinda explain why Sephiroth was promoted so soon."

"Doesn't matter how bad it's looking," Commander Deren said waspishly. "Eighteen is far too young an age to be general."

General Cain exhaled loudly through his nostrils. "They wanted to promote him last year, and the most I could do was talk them into delaying until he was at least a legal adult," he growled.

Lizzy tried to shrink into her seat. She didn't feel awkward listening to other people's conversations _at all_.

"Anyway," General Cain said, turning to Lizzy so suddenly that she jerked, causing her whole desk to rattle. "Deren probably didn't notice that memo because he is a little dyslexic."

Lizzy's mouth dropped open. She shut it again rather hurriedly when she noticed how the Commander had hunched over and started picking at the carpet. "Ah," she said, trying desperately to ignore the extreme Awkward in the air. That actually explained a lot.

"Make yourself useful and help me sort through this stuff, will you?" Commander Deren said, glancing up at the General.

Lizzy spent the rest of the day listening to General Cain and Commander Deren tell hilarious, frightening and just plain bizarre stories about some of their exploits. Like the time Deren received a marriage proposal from a creepy middle-aged woman in the slums, or the time that Cain, back when he was a Third on a mission during one of the wars, tossed cactuar needles into the Firsts' stew to see what would happen. He claimed it was purely for curiosity's sake and had nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that the Firsts got fresh meat in their stew while the Thirds got stuff that looked suspiciously like last week's bacon grease.

He also said that it produced highly interesting results.

"Were you ever caught?" Lizzy asked, paperwork forgotten as she stared at the General. She had had the impression that he was a fairly responsible human being. She might have to modify that judgment slightly.

"Never. To this day, the tales of the mysterious Defender of Justice and his collection of cactuar needles are passed down from rank to rank. Tales of how he fought for the rights of those lowest on the totem pole; the right to be fed actual food." General Cain looked positively nostalgic. "Naturally you are sworn to secrecy, Miss Daugherty." Both he and Commander Deren turned to gaze at her.

Lizzy gulped as she looked from one pair of mako eyes to the other. Their freakishly identical colour was creeping her out. "I'll take it to my grave."

"He made me carry out most of those Justice Missions," Commander Deren said, rather precariously stacking another jar of goop on the growing pile next to the wall. He seemed to be rather enjoying arranging this pile into a complicated structure that looked as though it was about to fall over and smash, filling the room with its lovely scents. "And he always claimed they were just experiments to gauge the reactions of the top brass."

"Why am I not surprised?" Lizzy said with a sigh, and turned her attention back to her paperwork.

* * *

Genesis fairly sprung out of bed that morning. He brushed his teeth with his special whitening toothpaste, carefully applied the perfect amount of guyliner, arranged his hair, and skipped out of his apartment, headed down to the shopping area, beaming. He was about to see his face and perfect hair in a wonderfully huge ad, displayed on that magnificently enormous screen for all the world to see.

Sephiroth got out of bed as usual, brushed his teeth as usual, and brushed his hair. As usual. He then headed down to the ShinRa shopping area in order to discreetly acquire more shampoo.

Genesis, fueled by his excitement, got there a full three minutes before Sephiroth did. However, when Sephiroth stepped from the elevator Genesis was frozen just outside it, staring up at the huge screen that loomed over the shopping area. Sephiroth too stared, his mind having trouble processing the horror before him.

There was an image of Sephiroth on it, showing him from the torso up with his hair spreading behind him and to the side, rather as though he had just turned around. On his face was an expression that he knew for a fact he had never, ever made, a sort of sideways grin all up the left side of his face, eyes half closed, one eyebrow slightly cocked. His right hand was combing through his bangs, silver hairs spilling over his fingers.

Sephiroth recognized that expression. Sephiroth slowly turned to face the auburn-haired man beside him.

Genesis also turned, his face twisted with horror.

They just stared at each other for a few minutes. The elevator opened behind them, but whoever was on it evidently decided that they didn't want to be on this floor after all and didn't get off.

Without a word, the two SOLDIERs made an about face. Genesis pressed the up button next to the elevator. They might hate each other's guts, but right now _some_one needed to pay.

* * *

Lizzy oozed her way out of bed that morning with even more reluctance than usual. Today was the day that new Shinralline ad was supposed to come out. The poor advertising department had probably pulled a couple of all-nighters to get it ready this soon. Lizzy was beginning to regret her involvement in the whole thing. There was no way that this was going to end well.

Lizzy readied herself for the day and headed to the forty-ninth floor. She had just stepped out of the elevator when she saw Commander Deren walking down the corridor towards her.

"Ah, Lizz!" Commander Deren waved at her. "I'm just taking a little stroll."

"Riiiight," Lizzy said, looking at him suspiciously. "Since when do _you_ take strolls?"

Commander Deren's PHS buzzed. He pulled it out and flipped it open.

I'm still not an accomplice, but I thought that you

might want to know that Rhapsodos and Sephiroth

are currently interrogating Zack Fair. And they're

very good at connecting dots.

-Judas

"Um," Lizzy said. "Does that mean—"

"Lizz, dear," Commander said, snapping his PHS shut again. "I don't want you to panic, but I think that we should find somewhere to hide for a little while."

Lizzy started to back into the elevator, but Commander Deren grabbed her shoulder and steered her towards the stairs.

"We're forty-nine floors up!"

"Yes, and do you really want to be trapped on the elevator? All they'd have to do is press the button on one of the floors, and they'd have us!"

"You're not helping me to not panic here!"

They trotted down the stairs, Commander Deren a good deal faster than Lizzy. He stopped every once and a while for her to catch up. After a few minutes they relaxed and started walking a little slower. Lizzy had just begun to think that perhaps Rhapsodos and Sephiroth weren't _that_ angry, when they heard an enraged shriek above them.

"DEREEEEEEEN!"

Lizzy didn't even recognize the voice at first, it was several octaves higher and a good deal more screechy than when she'd heard it last, but as she looked up she glimpsed red. The steps just in front of them exploded, and the sound of metal slicing through metal came from the stairs above them.

"Well crap," Commander Deren said. "They're cutting through the stairs. That's cheating."

Lizzy tried not to panic. They couldn't go forwards with a giant smoking hole in the stairwell, they couldn't go back because of the maniacs above them, and the door to the next floor was on the other side of the destroyed stairs.

"Commander Deren, what do we—"

The entire world flipped upside down. Commander Deren had just tossed Lizzy over his shoulder. She was about to screech with rage when to her absolute horror he leapt over the rail. For a moment it felt as though they were floating, but then they started to go down very, very quickly. Lizzy's stomach was suddenly full of caffeinated centipedes and she held onto the Commander's back for dear life. The stairs passed in a horrid blur, and she heard Commander Deren murmuring something like spells under his breath. Their decent jerked a few times, slowing each time, until they finally landed on the ground floor with a horrible jolting crash. Lizzy was just surprised her neck hadn't snapped with whiplash. As the Commander dashed through the door Lizzy saw the crater he'd left behind.

Good Gaia.

She had always thought that the newspapers sometimes exaggerated the physical abilities of mako-enhanced SOLDIERs.

She didn't think that anymore.

Commander Deren nipped through a few doors and narrow passages before depositing Lizzy on a cabinet of some sort. She blinked, forcing herself to breathe and take in her surroundings. They seemed to be in a storage closet. Commander Deren leant against the opposite wall, doubled over with his hands on his knees, panting, and an exultant grin on his face.

"I haven't done anything that fun in ages," he whispered happily.

"Why you—" Lizzy began in a furious whisper.

"Sh, mako-enhanced hearing," Commander Deren murmured.

Lizzy glared daggers at him for the entire time they were in there.

When General Cain finally texted them that Lazard had brought Rhapsodos and Sephiroth back under control, they returned to Commander Deren's office.

The entire room was blackened, with a few spots of fire still burning in the corners. The walls had slash marks all over them, and the complex structure of germ-jars and other junk against the wall was nothing but a pile of ash.

"There, see?" Deren said. "It's sterilized!"

* * *

Lizzy was never ever ever going to take part in something like that ever again. It was the next day, and after having a crew in Commander Deren's office to make it habitable again she and the Commander were back to their usual occupations: paperwork and drooling, respectively.

Lizzy determinedly signed the millionth form and filed away the billionth report, scowling. Never. Ever.

Another long form, ten more badly written reports…

This was getting really boring.

Like _really_ boring. And Commander Deren was just draped forlornly across his desk again. It was depressing.

Lizzy lay down her pen. Oh, she was going to regret this. "Captain Rhapsodos is such a despicable stupidhead…"

Commander Deren's head slowly rose from his desk, an insane grin plastered on his face.

* * *

**Author's Note: **Ah, bless you, kind reader, for reading this far! This marks the end of the first Incident, many more to follow-hopefully. I haven't even started writing them, eh heh...but when I eventually do, I shall probably take forever because, like I've mentioned before, I want these to be really good.

I had tons of fun switching points of view and trying out different narration voices during this part ^.^

I'm going to go ahead and answer a few questions that may have arisen in your lovely mind: 1) Yes, I know that Zack is a huge guy, there is a very good reason why he's so small in this story; 2) Lizz is not getting paired with any of Those Three. She is twenty-two, Sephiroth, Genesis, and Angeal are eighteen, seventeen and sixteen, respectively, and I don't like older-girl-with-way-younger-guy pairings at all, as you may have gathered from the Advertising Department's director; and 3) Yes, that was Deren in the cafeteria talking to his phone, and he wasn't talking to anybody. His phone wasn't even on, it was out of batteries, he went and charged it afterwards. I love that man :)

Please leave a review, tell me what you think, what you thought worked and what you thought didn't. I shall refrain from sending my trained ninja-assassin-chickadees after you if you criticize me. I shall carefully consider all advice before I either apply it or chuck it out the window, but I'll appreciate all feedback :)


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